I got squeezed today and it wasn’t very pleasant. Being “squeezed” here is from a metaphor we heard a while back at church. The idea:
When you squeeze a tube of toothpaste, toothpaste comes out. What comes out of you when you get squeezed?
Sometimes, I wish toothpaste would come out of me. It would be a better alternative, I think, to the nastiness that usually comes out. I have been having a hard time lately keeping my responses in check and my voice level in the nice range and it has been escalating this week. Today was one of those days that by the time Steve came home, I looked at him and said, “I want to quit.” I want to choose the easy way out. I don’t want to push back against the world right now. I don’t want to do what is right. I don’t want to be nice or extend grace. I don’t want to serve. I don’t want to home school anymore. I want to get a job to make more money, to fix our house, buy new stuff, have more margin, take more vacations, buy more take out. I wanted to quit.
Why? For no particular reason really. As usual, a bunch of small things stacked together with a few bigger things to finish me off at the end. I got squeezed and yuck came out all over the place. The biggest things that came out? Jealousy and self pity. Yep. Squeezed out and oozing all over the place. Jealous of? Other peoples stuff, life styles, my assumptions of their non-troubled existence. Self pity? Yep – I’m not a good mom cause my kids don’t listen. I’m not a good home-schooler cause my kids aren’t perfect students. I’m not a good wife cause I can’t keep my house in order or the laundry done. Not much new here. Same old self defeating thought life attacking again. So why wasn’t I able to overcome this stuff today? Who knows, but that’s where I was at this afternoon and still am a little bit now.
So now what? I have to admit, I’m having hard time talking myself out of this mood. Honestly, I like wallowing in self pity sometimes – it gives me an excuse to sit and do nothing. Sometimes its easier to accept defeat and lay down and die for a day. Not saying its the best thing, just easy to do. I want to not be like this, I want to not struggle. I want to be squeezed and have roses and fruit punch come out, but that’s not what I had in me today.
Steve said something to me tonight that I didn’t really appreciate at the time, but I needed to hear it. He said, “You’re messy like everyone else and, like we always say, that’s why we need Jesus.” Sometimes I forget that I am messy like everyone else and I NEED Jesus. I get stuck thinking that He’s a good idea or that I am farther along than I really am. When I get squeezed and I see what comes out, it reminds me that I need Him to change my heart, change my attitude, change my desires. How thankful I am that I have a friend in Jesus who knows my need, has experienced my troubles and promises to fill me with His Spirit. I am thankful that His mercy is new every morning. I am thankful that His grace is sufficient for me.
Today I lost the battle. I got squeezed and let the yuck ooze out. Tomorrow is a new day and I’m sure I’ll get squeezed again. Oh Jesus, let more of you come out in those moments!!
